Yeah, yeah, I know. Long time no blog. Why was I silent for so long, you might ask? Call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, winter blues, whatever. I’ve had problems with depression for years, and it’s always worse in the fall and winter months. Early in November, shortly after my last post, I slid into a pretty deep funk from which I am only now emerging. In recent days and weeks, as the days got longer and the temperatures got warmer, I felt something switching on inside, something coming back to life.
Part of the reason I fell silent was embarrassment and discouragement from the huge pile of still unpaid doctor and hospital bills from my medical adventures last spring. With something switching on, something coming back to life, I am resolved to take advantage of the momentum and get my finances in order.
Another big downer was my continuing dissatisfaction with my job as a librarian in rural South Carolina. My unhappiness grew and my performance dwindled until finally my boss issued an ultimatum: shape up or ship out. That brought me up short. I was forced to take a hard look at my attitude about the job, and I realized I could not afford to continue the whiny, prideful, condescending attitude I had developed. I had essentially convinced myself that the task was beneath my abilities, intelligence, and dignity, and I really didn’t have to do it. This was nonsense, of course. No one owed me this job. It was not mine by right. In fact, I owed myself, my coworkers, and my boss, who had been more patient with me than I deserved, the best performance I could give every day. It’s still a struggle because I find myself thinking of things I’d rather be doing, but I am trying to do better.
In November, I joined The Legion of Mary, an apostolate or organization within the Catholic Church dedicated to fostering devotion to Christ and His Blessed Mother primarily through works of charity and prayer, principally the Rosary. I’ve had a great devotion to the Rosary for years now because of the rhythm or meditative “zone” one falls into while praying it. Even when I felt most alienated from God because of all the disasters of last spring, I was still able to say the Rosary, still able to approach Jesus through Mary. All of the Legion’s literature speaks of doing everything for the glory of God and the honor of Mary and imitating Mary’s charity and humility. In a moment of insight, I had an image of myself offering my day to Jesus and Mary. If I were going to give my earthly mother a gift, I wouldn’t give her a wadded up Kleenex or a greasy piece of cardboard. I’d want to give her the best I could possibly afford. If that’s true for my earthly, biological mom, how much more so for my heavenly, spiritual mother. Now I say the Morning Offering before beginning work, and it helps.
Now that I’m feeling better, I have the urge to write again, and this blog seems one avenue in which to do it. I’ve been surfing around the Catholic blogsphere for about a year now (check out the additions to the blogroll on the left), and I wonder why Amy Welborn and Mark Shea get to have all the fun. I have blogworthy thoughts too, don’t I? Easter Sunday seems the perfect time to (ahem) resurrect my blog.
I really should toddle off to bed now. I shall endeavor to be a more conscientious blogger and regularly share my VAST wisdom and profound humility (please stifle those snorts of derisive laughter) with you, the good people of cyberspace.
Happy Easter! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!